Gary Noesner is a former senior negotiator with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, where he spent more than three decades resolving high-stakes crises. As Chief of Crisis Negotiation, he helped pioneer an approach grounded in empathy, patience, and active listening rather than force.
His experiences during events such as the Waco siege shaped his belief that people in crisis need understanding, not control, insights he later shared in his book Stalling for Time. His work reflects a core message behind Strength Unseen: true strength often lies in being heard and in genuinely listening to others.
What are two or three simple techniques people can use to communicate more effectively during difficult conversations?
The most effective approach to good communication is to be a good listener. Everyone wants to be heard and understood. This is done by acknowledging the person’s point of view. It does not necessarily mean agreeing or disagreeing; it simply means you are demonstrating that you are listening and that you understand what they are saying.
In today’s distracted world, what does true listening really look like?
True listening is not simply being quiet and allowing the other person to speak. Active listening requires that we respond to what the other person is saying by restating the content of their topic and reflecting the feelings you hear. In summary: “restatement of content and reflection of feelings.” By using our own words to tell the person we understand what their problem or concern is by restating it, and how they feel about it by labeling a perceived emotional reaction we observe, we prove or demonstrate that we are listening.
Why do you think so many people feel unseen or unheard—and how can we begin to change that?
As stated above in my prior answers, people want to be understood. By making the effort to first show that we fully understand the point of view and how they feel about it, we demonstrate that we hear and understand. This respectful approach should be genuine and sincere. When done well, active listening is a powerful communication tool.
What have your experiences in hostage negotiation taught you about how people respond to trauma?
My experience suggests that you see either the best or the worst in people in a crisis or traumatic event. When confronting high emotional arousal and the inability to think and behave calmly, it depends on us to be calm, patient, and understanding in how we engage with the individual. We must first lower the emotional content of the interaction before we can move toward a solution or problem-solving.
When emotions run high, what are the most effective ways to de-escalate conflict?
We model the behaviour we would like to see. If we remain calm and controlled in a tense interaction, it is more likely to influence the other person to lower their emotional state and engage with us in a more controlled manner.
Did your work change the way you handle your own emotions or personal relationships?
I believe I always had a fairly good ability to control my anger and emotional state, but my work in crisis negotiations certainly helped me to better understand how the process works and to let that guide my own behaviour in a tense situation.
Looking back, what advice would you give your younger self about managing pressure and fear?
I think the biggest lesson is: don’t sweat the small stuff. Many of the issues or concerns we have in life don’t seem as bad after our emotions have cooled down and we have time to think about our options in a calmer setting. More importantly, in the long run, many of life’s small problems are of little importance or long-term impact. The other thing I would say is to understand you are human and that, like all humans, you will always make mistakes or wish you had done something differently. That is part of the human experience. In other words, everyone makes mistakes; everyone is imperfect. Don’t be too critical of yourself.
How can we, as a society, move toward deeper compassion and understanding?
This is an important topic. If we truly want to be better humans, we should treat others as we would wish to be treated. We should try to help others in need, as we ourselves may someday need help. We should appreciate that we are all in the human family together and that engaging in conflict is wasteful and counterproductive. We should always value cooperation over conflict.
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